Scorn
Scorn is Stephen Colbert's signature cologne, which has won many tip of the hat awards. Stephen has shown it many times on the Colbert Report. Scorn is the fragrance made by a hero for heroes. You might be able to wear it too, if you've got the balls. Scorn possesses a truly unique scent. Surprisingly, this unique scent has a long history. Origin and History The First Scorn Something similar to Scorn is believed to have been used by Native American tribes. While Stephen calls it Scorn, they called it 'Smaize.' Shaman stories and legends tell of a tribe whose warriors would rub this mystical elixir on themselves before going into battle. However, this tribe became so obsessed with the scent and the rubbing that they forgot to get food. The tribe fell apart, but not before one of the elders buried the secret formula deep in the Earth. It remained in the ground for 1500 years. Modern Day Scorn In the weeks before the premiere of the Colbert Report, Colbert was doing a lot of of soul searching and bear killing. On one of his bear hunting trips with Dick Cheney, he tripped over something. Cheney fired at the disturbance, but missed Colbert entirely. Colbert said Cheney should work on his aim. Upon examination, Colbert saw that it was a recipe for something written on a stone tablet. He took the tablet with him when he left. Later in the month, Colbert was leaving Church when the Archangel Gabriel appeared. Gabriel told Stephen about the cologne recipe on the tablet. He told Stephen that he should name this cologne Scorn, for it would be the fragrance worn by Jesus when he condemns the sinners to eternal damnation. On December 14, 2005 Stephen issued the first bottle of Scorn to the Blame America Firsters. Properties of Scorn Scorn is very unique in that it does not have a set scent. Each bottle assumes the scent that Stephen tells it to become. Each bottle also has properties that reflect its scent. For example, a manly scent increases the size of the users balls. A negative scent, such of that of spoiled milk ruins the taste buds of the user. Obtaining Scorn Since Colbert is the only one who knows how make Scorn, he is the only one who decides who receives it. So far, Scorn has only been given out on special occasions. Scorn is marketed exclusively to heroes. The patented testicle bottle cap also increases its appeal to heroes and acts as a deterrent to cowards from using or stealing your bottle of Scorn. Science of Scorn As we all know, science is the enemy of truth. So in Scorn, sciences such as chemistry have little to no presence at all. Each bottle of Scorn rises from the mud and comes into being with its metal balls shining in the light. Please note though that even though you may find a lone Scorn wandering around in the mud PLEASE DO NOT PICK IT UP or else the mother won't take it back.